Every Ship Must Sail Away

Sitting alone. Knowing there isn't anything you can change, afraid to change the routine. Sending words into the void. Life not what you want it to be, unable to see how to move in another direction.

Strong words, lack of remorse or empathy. Gas-lighting. Interesting word. So very true to your life you've been living. Thinking you're losing your mind. Second guessing everything you do because you aren't sure the past ever really happened in the first place.

Fear. Uncertainty, unhappiness with yourself for not being a better....something. Anything. Certainty only in the knowledge whatever you do, it will be wrong. That you can't be enough for anyone, much less yourself.

Apathy. Why do anything about anything? What difference does it make? You'll never succeed, never be right, never be pretty enough, never anything enough to make it.

Who do you want to be? How do you want to live? Forget proving to someone else who you are, prove to yourself. That's all that matters. Be you. Be wondrous and fuck everyone else. You can do this, for you.

The First 48

My family drives me right around the bend. My B.S. has decided that after 7 years, her tiny little house cat is going to become an outside-only cat. WTF? I just don't even know what she is thinking, considering she'll probably be living in an apartment in a city. Stupid. I'd rather she leave the poor thing here but she doesn't want to do that. She refuses to let us take care of the cat, even though she'd ship the cat to mom's across the state no problem.

Also, she has drama that she won't talk about but my guess is her financial aid didn't come through. At least that's what I think. It might have been the D. C. but I wasn't getting that impression. Not that he understands that we never had money and mommy can't pay for everything. Unlike his crazypants mother. Who is a nutbag but pays for things because he's a mommy's boy.

Aaaaarrrrggghhh!

What bull.

The Husband is stressing because we may not have the money to make rent. Spoke to B.S. about it and was told she doesn't get paid till rent is due and since her bank sucks, the funds wouldn't be available until two days later. Not helpful. And she was just totally not caring. Of course, this also falls on The Husband because he can't keep fifty cents around long enough to warm up in his pocket. But I'm the one who sucks because I don't work hard enough or make enough money to support his spending lifestyle. It bites.

And on the job front news, no one will hire a fat chick. No matter how good she dresses. Because everyone thinks fat=lazy. Bastards. Which is utter horseshit. I don't call in like some people who've had too much to drink. Or because I just don't want to be there. Or just not do my job period and stand around for an entire shift doing nothing. Rant ranty rant rant. Bigoted assholes.

All around crappy week.

Birds

So, Drama, Drama, Drama. The husband has been mad at me for a couple of days (which means not speaking to me at all.) A little stressful but I'll deal. This weekend he was supposed to go help his buddy move. In a different city. Friday he doesn't come home from work. I start to get worried. I text him a couple of times, thinking maybe he's working late. No answer. I call a couple of times, leaving worried voicemails with no response. I start calling family because I have no idea where he is and then it hits me....

He packed shit up Friday morning before work and took off for his buddy's a day early. Without telling me. Because he's mad.

WTF?

So, I've realized that various items of clothing are missing (and interestingly enough, his old phone with various friends numbers in it). And I track down his mom's number, still stressed out because I haven't gotten a response at all. He's there, munching burgers with her. I burst into relieved tears that he's okay, freaking her out, and just tell her I'm glad to hear he's okay.

This morning I looked - he's pulled out money we don't have to fuck around down there and his payroll checks are sitting here in the house because he refused to deposit them. Rent is due on monday. This is also WTF. I still haven't heard from him directly. He still won't answer my calls.

This all came about because he kicked me out of the bedroom, laughed at me and when I slammed the door, sent a snotty text message about how I didn't need to break the door because I was mad. So I told him to fuck off and called him an arrogant pig. Now he refuses to have anything to do with me.

Isn't life wonderful?

If I died in my sleep right now, this week, I'd be happy. Which would be the first time in a long time that I would be happy.

Silence

Things have gotten to a point that I'm thinking of moving in to the garage. How desperate is that? I just don't know what else to do. I'd have to clean out the garage, mind you, and it's full up. I'm so fed up I'm thinking of cleaning the garage out to live in because the house situation is so stressful. And I have no where else to go. There is no place I can go and shut the door and be alone.

I've been relegated to doing anything I want to do on the loveseat in the living room. Which is going to have to change because it is the entertainment center for the husband and he cannot handle having people interrupt him while he's watching his "shows." That was the drama this evening. B.S. came home and said hi while he was watching his shows. And he was rude. So she got pissed. And I'm in the middle again. And if I'm sitting here, occasionally I will say something, which is now basically prohibited.

I house sat this weekend. It was quiet, peaceful and not a bit stressful. I dreaded coming back because I felt better this weekend away from the house than I've felt in a long while. I was right to be concerned because it started right back in as soon as I got back. Tomorrow I'm traveling around for work. And I'm looking forward to it. I don't know how to live like this, I just don't. It'll kill me.

I've got to figure something out or I'll lose my mind.

Fans

I've been remiss in blogging for while, as I'm sure anyone who actually reads this has noticed. I've been depressed. Strike that - I am depressed. My chest hurts from the stress. That ache you get when you want to let loose screaming and crying and carrying on. The hell of trying to figure out why you need to get out of bed. The sure and certain knowledge that no one understands you, no one needs you. It is horrible. And yet, there's no way I know of right now to get out of it. I made a promise once to never do anything stupid, if you ken my meaning there, and I keep my promises.

But it is so very hard.

Easy Street

There has been a revived interest in the house of resuming our walks in the evenings. And the city park is fairly close and has some excellent trails it looks like (for a free city park). Only not when it's this hot. Blargh. I've got my little redneck watercooler fan setup going. (Lots of ice in a metal bowl in front of a little fan.) It isn't going to cool the house like, say, central frickin' air or anything, but at least it keeps myself a little cooler.

And what is with companies saving money by roasting customers out of their stores because the A/C isn't on? WTF. I don't want to work up a sweat just because I'm shopping in your roasting ass store. Dude, the amount of money they lose because people come in and then walk right back out because it's stifling? Would pay for the damned air. (One of the employees told me they'd seen people leave because it was miserable to be there.)

I have the day off tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it. There will be laundry and lounging and dishes and lounging and internet surfing and lounging AT THE SAME TIME. It's too damned hot outside for anything else. I hate, hate, HATE the hot weather. I'm a delicate flower and do not enjoy not being able to cool off at all, no matter how indecent I get. At least when it's cold I can make a blanket fort and huddle in my sweatshirts to warm up.

P.S. The B*tchy Sibling's significant other shall now be known here as D. C. for Douche Canoe.

Dilruba

Terribly exciting evening. I've been surfing the internet since Beloved Husband is sacked out. He's been working hard and getting up ungodly early in the morning so I don't blame him. It has just been hard to get to spend any time with him. Shades of my father - he comes home, eats, and tries not to fall asleep on the couch. In this case and at this time, I understand it better.

I also have B*tchy Sibling that is living with us for now, and dude, the crazy just never stops. It is like having a teenager in the house again, what with the taking of things that aren't theirs (borrowing or out right lying about taking), the holing up in their room, the tantrums and lack of chores-sharing in the house. Oy. I'm hoping that the signifcant other eventually does get dropped (like they were supposed to in the first place which caused this whole crisis in the first place) but I'm not holding my breath. The BS's SO is a douche canoe. I don't like SO's treatment of BS but it's not my life so I'm watching from the sidelines and occasionally adding my two cents when I can get away with it.

Also looking for more work to supplement what I've already got but I haven't had much luck there. I wish sometimes that I could be paid to stay home on the internet but most of those jobs I've seen are scams. All of them, as a matter of fact. So out and about I go, applying where I can.

Updatery complete.