It's been a while...

Had a thing happen and needed a place to hash it out. Realized I hadn't been here in...whoa, a long time. I fell out of writing because I got depressed. Life-bites-and-then-you-die, why-do-I-even-bother depressed, and I'm trying to stave that off this time by writing things down.

On to the trials and tribulations -

We are moving. Yet again. To make things easier, and not such a cluster as it was last time, I've been trying to get a jump on packing. And I volunteered to do the apartment hunting and well, everything really. So the DH only has work to deal with.

I found a place. It's a nice place, it fills most of our requirements (not perfect but hey, we can live here for a year or two and get our lives in order), and I was pretty happy. Took my sister and we went to give it the once over. The DH was mildly put out that we couldn't swing a time convenient to him to check it out but asked for video and pictures so I got some.

And that's the start of where it went to shit. I'd been getting the feeling every time I brought places up that DH wasn't paying any attention and had a bad case of fantasyland about the housing market and Dear Reader, I wasn't disappointed. He complained that places didn't have w/d hookups. That they were on the second floor. That they wanted 30 days of proof of income. That places were charging a pet rent. And the list goes on. And on. Nothing was right.

Turns out, what he should have told me was that he wasn't going to make a decision until HE could walk the place. That basically I wasted my time and my sister's time looking at the place because it's all about what he wanted.

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Never mind the fact that it shows a complete lack of faith in my decisions and lack of trust that I'm capable. (Which, of course, he doesn't see at all.) And that it undermines me in front of the office for this complex that he has to look at it because I obviously didn't do a good job by myself. And he doesn't see why I'm upset.

Idk dude. Why would I be? I only wasted the past two months looking for a place to live for us and doing all the housework. Dealing with all of life's issues that pertain to us, where we live, our pets. Such a hard life you've got buddy, having someone do everything around the house and with our life while you "work so hard" that you literally can't do anything but lay on the couch, eat, and sleep. Oh, and play games. And travel to visit friends and go to movies and have happy fun time while I'm at home, trying to get our shit together.

I cannot even.

Silence

Not really a fan of this new layout, dashboard-wise. It's damned hard to see on screen for me, even in a dark room.

Other than that, been thinking about saving money to buy an RV, pack up my stuff and the adopted whiny cat, hook up my car and leave. Of course, at the rate I earn money, I'll be a little old lady by then but hey, a girl can dream of escape.

AFP

So, the last couple of months I've fallen off the map. After promising and talking big to myself about how I was going to stay on top of this blog and post the shit out of it. But then there was the theiving roommate I had to get rid of, the car that decided it didn't need to run anymore ($1200 for transmission parts? I don't frakkin' think so) so I spent weeks, WEEKS, driving the husband to his work and sitting in the parking lot trying not to look all stalker-y, then unexpected expenses on top of that reared up and slapped us in the face. And finally? The rent has gone up.

Murphy needs to go home and whichever god is stomping all over my life needs to go find a new whipping boy. And not one in my family so I can get some peace.

Every Ship Must Sail Away

Sitting alone. Knowing there isn't anything you can change, afraid to change the routine. Sending words into the void. Life not what you want it to be, unable to see how to move in another direction.

Strong words, lack of remorse or empathy. Gas-lighting. Interesting word. So very true to your life you've been living. Thinking you're losing your mind. Second guessing everything you do because you aren't sure the past ever really happened in the first place.

Fear. Uncertainty, unhappiness with yourself for not being a better....something. Anything. Certainty only in the knowledge whatever you do, it will be wrong. That you can't be enough for anyone, much less yourself.

Apathy. Why do anything about anything? What difference does it make? You'll never succeed, never be right, never be pretty enough, never anything enough to make it.

Who do you want to be? How do you want to live? Forget proving to someone else who you are, prove to yourself. That's all that matters. Be you. Be wondrous and fuck everyone else. You can do this, for you.

The First 48

My family drives me right around the bend. My B.S. has decided that after 7 years, her tiny little house cat is going to become an outside-only cat. WTF? I just don't even know what she is thinking, considering she'll probably be living in an apartment in a city. Stupid. I'd rather she leave the poor thing here but she doesn't want to do that. She refuses to let us take care of the cat, even though she'd ship the cat to mom's across the state no problem.

Also, she has drama that she won't talk about but my guess is her financial aid didn't come through. At least that's what I think. It might have been the D. C. but I wasn't getting that impression. Not that he understands that we never had money and mommy can't pay for everything. Unlike his crazypants mother. Who is a nutbag but pays for things because he's a mommy's boy.

Aaaaarrrrggghhh!

What bull.

The Husband is stressing because we may not have the money to make rent. Spoke to B.S. about it and was told she doesn't get paid till rent is due and since her bank sucks, the funds wouldn't be available until two days later. Not helpful. And she was just totally not caring. Of course, this also falls on The Husband because he can't keep fifty cents around long enough to warm up in his pocket. But I'm the one who sucks because I don't work hard enough or make enough money to support his spending lifestyle. It bites.

And on the job front news, no one will hire a fat chick. No matter how good she dresses. Because everyone thinks fat=lazy. Bastards. Which is utter horseshit. I don't call in like some people who've had too much to drink. Or because I just don't want to be there. Or just not do my job period and stand around for an entire shift doing nothing. Rant ranty rant rant. Bigoted assholes.

All around crappy week.